Plaxidental Shooting Divison

Detroit Kitten
This team's top picks -- Jamaal Charles, Aaron Rodgers, and Miles Austin -- can all make the case that they'll have the best numbers at their respective positions by the end of the season. Charles will gain more carries, Rodgers will continue his ascent, and Austin will have a healthy Tony Romo back. We like the Big Three core quite a bit. However, questions plague the rest of the roster. Can Brandon Lloyd repeat his shocking 2010 season? Can Jahvid Best stay healthy? Will Anquan Boldin return to his pre-Baltimore form? Can Marshawn Lynch transition into a good back for more than just one legendary game/run? Can Joseph Addai, Pierre Thomas, and Sidney Rice return from injury? Is Jimmy Graham the next big thing at tight end?

That's a lot of questions for one team to find the answers to. We do know this: GM Josh is not afraid of rolling the dice! And he sure loves his fantasy sports. With 70+ fantasy teams managed over the years in baseball, football, and basketball, Josh will bring his extensive expertise and history of success to League of Metabos. We're excited to see if the Kittens' purr will be worse than their um, scratch. We must also ask: Is owner Josh from a suburb of Detroit or actually from The D? Either way, send over a Jimmy John's #12, thanks.

Snake Eyes
A spy in this franchise's war room revealed that QB Matt Stafford was suggested as a second round draft pick. The turncoat also said that the offending party was immediately slapped across the mouth and subsequently fired, clearing the way for the one-two punch of Maurice Jones-Drew and Michael Turner in the backfield. While we like Stafford's potential quite a bit, he was much more logically snapped up in the ninth round, and will serve as an apprentice under Tom Brady. With MJD, Turner, pre-season favorites Tim Hightower and Willis McGahee, this team will have an excellent ground game.

The aerial attack should be nice too, featuring Vincent Jackson, Dwayne Bowe, and well, somebody else. Pick one: Austin Collie, Lance Moore, Braylon Edwards. We're predicting all three will be waiver wire fodder by mid-season. Dallas Clark is a premium tight end though and will put up wide receiver-like numbers. Team Snake Eyes, whether referring to everyone's favorite mute ninja or the most dramatic dice roll in craps, looks well balanced and ready to take on the season. Well, maybe after they find out who leaked to reporters that Stafford was so unconscionably high on their draft board. Yo Joe Ryan, there's a rat in your house!

Dirty Mark Sanchez
In the history of Randall's fantasy football teams named "Dirty Mark Sanchez," they've finished 10 of 10 (2010), 4 of 12 (2010), and 1 of 12 (2009). When they go with "Juggernaut" as their team name, they've finished 4 of 12 (2009), 1 of 10 (2008), 3 of 10 (2007), 1 of 10 (2006), 1 of 10 (2006), and 4 of 10 (2005). Logic dictates that Randall name all his teams "Juggernaut," right? Of course the Juggernaut name has only been used for baseball, but we think a name change should be in order. The first rule of branding is to go with what works right?

The historical record also reveals that DMS will be a contender. Looking over their roster, we'd readily agree. Philip Rivers will sling plenty of balls to Andre Johnson, Roddy White, Jermichael Finley, and Kenny Britt. Running backs Felix Jones and LeGarrette Blount are looking for even bigger following their breakout seasons, and there's plenty of upside depth at every position. While we can't deduce whether "Dirty Mark Sanchez" is an epithet or a short love haiku, we're sure many fans will be screaming it regardless.

Riggins Rigs
Ah alliteration, how we love thee. GM Andrew was clearly tongue/brain twisted as he selected an intriguing prospect named Brandon Jackson in round two. Research later revealed that Jackson was not only a mis-click and a Browns' backup RB but also just suffered a season ending injury. All we have to say to Andrew is this: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers while drinking chocolate milk. Sohcahtoa.

While I have no idea where Riggins Rigs headquarters is located, we'd take an educated guess that they get Time Warner service based out of New York. I mean, Hakeem Nicks, Ahmad Bradshaw, Santonio Holmes, and Plaxico Burress? We're guessing team owner Andrew is also a San Diego transplant because of Malcolm Floyd and Chargers Defense in the last two rounds. Call me fantasy football Sherlock Holmes but I think I've cracked the owner bio here. We have one more thing to say to Andrew actually: Glad you're in my division man! Best of luck with Arian Foster and his NY Amalgations!

Optimus Primetime
Disclaimer: This is my team so anything said here is absolutely 100% correct. Truths I live by: (1) Kobe sucks, go Celtics (2) Deion Sanders was the best NFL player of all time (3) Team Edward (4) Kangol berets/caps should not be worn backwards, unless you're Samuel L. Jackson (5) I'm gonna win this whole thing easy, and sixteen times on Sundays. I've already charted out a parade route for my loyal townsfolk. They're already lining up five deep. Whatever tropy the champion receives should already have my team name emblazoned on it. In permanent ink.

I mean, the gift of the number one overall selection was nice. Thanks for Adrian Peterson. Getting Peyton Manning in the seventh round? I'll take it. He'll step in when Tony Romo goes on romantic vacations in-season. My sterling receiver corps of Greg Jennings, Mike Wallace, DeSean Jackson, Lee Evans, and Michael Crabtree? I could field two competitive teams with these guys. Sure I don't have a second running back. Maybe I can't correctly spell my tight end's last name. And somehow I drafted a player who's already out for the season. But whatevers, I'm so irrationally confident I'm gonna win this thing that I'll offer the following deal: Pay me $40 now and I'll waive the extra $10. That's a 20% discount off your eventual payout. This offer only lasts for thirty days, jump on it now. Shamwow.