A Plague on Both Your Houses

Fellow owners,

It's come to my attention that in my run to Metabos glory, led by the glorious and blessed one that is named Timothy Richard Tebow, my playoff opponent may have been guilty of collusion in order to insure a playoff berth. (A spot that is rightfully mine by the way, as God himself told Tebow just this past Sunday. Contrary to popular opinion, Tebow was not born on Dec 25th, but Aug 14th.) To set the scene, heading into this weekend, my Optimus Primetimes were 6-7, nipping at the heels of 7-6 Riggins Rigs. A win would guarantee Andrew a playoff spot. Andrew and Igor were set to face off on WK14. Igor was already out of the playoffs, with nothing to play for.

First, the evidence. On Dec 9th, 1:20pm, Igor (aka Forsett in His Butt) selected Anthony Gonzalez off the waiver wire, a player who was listed as "out" and scored no points all season. Second, by Sunday, Igor's entire normal starting roster was happily sitting on his bench. The only players who were in his lineup were Gonzalez, the suspended Fred Davis, two players who had Thursday games (B.Roethlisberger and A.Brown), a kicker, a defense, and a Beanie Wells. On his bench were Wes Welker, Chris Johnson, DeMarco Murray, Stevie Johnson, Roy Helu, Steven Jackson, among a few other lesser luminaries.

It's clear Igor threw his last regular season game versus Andrew. There is no question about that. The question is, if Andrew (Riggins Rigs), the owner of the team who would benefit from a thrown game, knew about Igor's plan beforehand.

I would not want to unfairly judge Andrew as I'm sure he's a man of high moral character, however, I'd like to point out that all signs point to him knowing, at least peripherally, that Igor was going to throw the game. I'll go ahead and lay down my suspicions, and set aside the theory that Andrew straight approached Igor about throwing the game, in which case this would be an irrelevant discussion as both parties would be penalized to the full extent of fantasy law.

So assuming Igor acted on his own to help his friend Andrew, here's why I think Andrew had to know that something shady was afoot.

1) There was ample time from Friday till Sunday for Andrew to check his matchup. I don't personally know when Igor pulled his players, but I find it hard to believe that any owner, on the verge of a playoff hunt, wouldn't check his lineup before the games on Sunday. Andrew had to notice something.

2) If he saw that Igor's team was rolling over, he should have contacted the commissioner to at least alert him, "Hey I have no idea what Igor is doing, but I'm not a part of it." Assuming we're playing fantasy for the love of the game, it would be disingenuous to lie, cheat, or bribe for a victory. There are better ways to win a few hundred bucks, after all. In addition, Andrew is not fantasy newbie, as he's owned five teams stretching back to 2007. He cannot play the "I didn't know that was counted as cheating" card.

3) Assuming Andrew knew this would reflect poorly on their WK14 matchup, and that he did want to win fair and square, I can't expect him to force Igor to start his players. However, due to the nature of Igor's "I'll blatantly throw this game, watch me start Anthony Gonzalez!" I can only surmise that they not only took delight in this plan, but Andrew made no attempt to stop it. Even a simple, "Hey Igor, your team totally sucks, put all your good guys in, I'll beat you anyway." After all, that is only sporting isn't it? Playing fantasy is about wanting to beat your friends and acquaintances so you can talk trash, not working behind the scenes to make sure someone you know wins the championship.

Now, Oliver has already said that based on this evidence, he's gonna give Andrew a loss. Personally, as I am a commissioner in every other league save this one, with over a decade of fantasy sports under my belt, I didn't push for immediate ruling, as I wanted to be fair and give Andrew a chance to exonerate himself. I don't need to get into the playoffs that badly, I'm doing quite well in all three of my other leagues. (Hallelujah Tebow!)

If Andrew didn't know anything, then fine, he can take the win, he deserves it, only Igor acted like an idiot. However, my gut and my logic tell me that Andrew had to know something odd was up, and that he agreed to the match fixing, even passively. Imaginary dialogue for Andrew that would be enough to leave him guilty: "Ok, that's a really stupid move you dummy Igor but if you want to lose to help me, I'll take the free win, thanks! Next beer's on me!"

I believe that in the spirit of fantasy goodwill and to preserve the integrity of this league -- as well as Oliver's reign -- Andrew should come clean. Or Igor, if he's capable of more than losing in fake football and benching his "star" players. If either of them want to step forward and lay out how things happened on their end, I'm all ears. Or anyone else who may know of collusion, please, anonymously speak up if you must. But speak, as the truth shall set you free.

Assuming neither Andrew nor Igor step forward, I'm willing to go with one of these compromises:

1. Andrew gets a loss for the week, we go to the tie-breaker system, and then we'll see who wins out between Andrew and I.
2. Andrew gets booted from the playoffs automatically because if he did have any measure of guilt in colluding with Igor, he should not be allowed to taint the post-season with cheater's musk. (I advocate this drastic option if he was the one who approached Igor.)
3. I get my $50 fee back directly from Igor's portion, plus interest, as his despicable move cost me a chance at the ultimate $350 prize as well as other compensatory prizes such as glory and fame.
4. Andrew and I go into partnership. Either his team goes in the playoffs or mine does, but we split any eventual proceeds 50/50. Obviously I have more faith in my team, because I'm led by Tebow, but if he wants to ride his Cam Newton train to its grisly end, that's fine with me. Keep in mind though, my team was the highest scoring in the league and I have a record setting tight end in Rob Gronkowski. Either way, we just split any winnings from here on out. This is not a logical or fair option, but it's the most fun and I'm 100% ready for this King Solomon-like option.

Perhaps we could vote on one of these resolutions, and on whether or not you think Andrew is guilty based on all evidence, obvious and inferred. Anything other than one of those proposals and I'll send over my fantasy lawyers and we're taking this to a higher power. Thank you for listening and looking in your heart to discover what the true meaning of fantasy sport ownership is. All praise to Tebow. Please bow your heads for a moment of Tebow-ing. Do it now, even if you are at work. Occupy Tebow.

Your soon to be 2011 Metabos Champion,

Jon


PS - This would have been no trouble at all if Igor had just strategically dumped his week without thumbing his nose at the Tebow. How might you lose a game without anyone noticing? Maybe sitting down your best player even though he was coming off his best week in over a month -- despite not being injured or out of the lineup ever. And maybe you already had a playoff seed locked down but your friend and opponent, the Detroit Kittens, desperately needed a win to get their playoff spot? Hum. May I show you Exhibit A, the case of LeSean McCoy on Oliver's bench. In McCoy's place? The immortal Nate Burleson... Take a look Igor, that's how a smart guy throws a game!

Not to get all Oliver Stone on the League of Metabos but...Code Red!